Now and Forever

When I weighed over 300 pounds, I thought I'd be stuck there. Forever. Forever unable to walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air. Forever taking the elevator. Forever sweating in fitting rooms. Forever carrying a seat belt extender on a plane that I'd need after standing on an hour-long security line that made my knees hurt so badly that I couldn't feel them for at least another hour afterward.

I was so hopeless, I had no idea how hopeless I actually was. I felt trapped by my body and my brain -- why would I try to right the ship when I'd failed every single time in the past?When my parents watched the Oprah GLP-1 special for the first time, I blew it off. Here they go again, trying to give me a lecture when they know I'm never going to get this right. I "do everything else right," why did I have to do this too? And then my parents admitted that obesity and food noise was never my fault.

That was the first step to freedom. To hear their admission after they didn't believe me for so long, when I cried that I couldn't just "stop eating," led me to watch the special myself. (They're still apologizing, BTW... and our relationship has never been better). And then I watched the special and saw that I wasn't alone. I heard the stories of people like Amy Kane, who is my age. Amy's story sounded near identical to my own. I heard Amy (and Oprah) describe food noise, and I was amazed that there was finally a name for what I experienced every day of my life. I inquired about GLP-1 medication the next day and once we overcame the insurance hurdles, I took my first dose of Wegovy on May 19, 2024 -- Pentecost Sunday. As a Catholic, I know based on that fact alone, that the Holy Spirit had a hand in putting me on the right path.

I cannot believe it's been a year. And I know that this life is now... now and forever. It's not just another three-month attempt.

By the Numbers To start with the super technical: I've lost 68 pounds. I've gone from size 5X or 6X to size 2X or 3X, size 26/28 to size 22/24 or even 18/20, depending on the cut and brand of the clothes. Of late, I actually fit in some standard size XXL clothes. We all know how weird women's sizing is, so size ranges make the most sense to list here. Since I'm a super achiever by nature, I do tend to use the scale as a marker of... well, achievement. And I need to get better at NOT doing that. That said, if you would have told me a year ago that I'd lose 68 pounds over one year, I never would have believed you.

The BMI Needs a Makeover The next number to address here is my Body Mass Index (BMI) -- which I have a lot to say about that will possible find itself in a future post. At 5"4, my BMI a year ago was 54.6. Today, it's 42.9. You know why that's annoying? Any BMI over 40 is considered "Class III Obese." It is mind-blowing top me that I'm still in the same class of BMI that I was a year ago -- I'm not even the same person I was then. My BMI is approximately 12 points lower than it was last May. I feel like that should count for something! At the very least, the BMI needs a massive redo with newer classifications. At most, it needs to be overhauled and dissected, keeping in mind that every body, family history, ethnicity, and set of hormones cannot be defined by or confined to one rubric -- especially considering that insurance companies use the BMI as criteria for GLP-1 eligibility. I said what I said.

Switch from Wegovy to Zepbound

One hurdle I overcame differently this time -- showing me that "this time really is different" -- is that I didn't give up when I plateaued for two months. While Wegovy got me to the 60-pound mark, I knew that was as far as it was going to take me after talking with my doctor and researching first-hand experiences. Instead of giving up, I switched to Zepbound. I just took my sixth dose of Zepbound and I've lost eight pounds since I started on April 13!

Health, Quality of Life, and Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)

Honestly, NSVs, health, and quality of life are what this entire experience is really all about. I'm no longer pre-diabetic -- at last check, my A1C is 5.3, which is in a normal range. I'm not iron-deficient anymore and I don't have high cholesterol. My cholesterol used to be 200+, and now it's in the 170s -- which is, again, normal. My feet are no longer swollen, my skin is clearer, and I don't suffer from nightly acid reflux symptoms (and said symptoms used to happen EVERY night of my life). I am finally healthy, and I don't remember the last time I could say that honestly.

In addition to being more healthy on paper, my quality of life is significantly different now. Let me start this portion of this post by saying that this world is largely built for smaller bodies, and I could write a laundry list of places where accommodations and adjustments are needed (starting, of course, with airplanes). But my parents were right about the fact that my quality of life did change from weight loss -- and not just in instances that aren't made for larger bodies.

Yes, I don't need a seat belt extender anymore. I fit in chairs with arms and restaurant booths. The car steering wheel doesn't kiss my stomach anymore. My feet don't hurt after a long day of singing at multiple Masses at church. Speaking of singing, my breath control is better which has allowed my voice to get stronger. But... I don't huff and puff going up stairs anymore. I can exercise with some intensity. I still sweat a lot, but it happens in smaller volumes than it used to. And the shower floor doesn't creak when I stand on it anymore.

Mental Health, Freedom from Food Noise and Food Jail, and a Healthy Relationship with Food

While I intend to lose more weight and have goals that I want to meet, if I didn't lose any more weight, I can say with full confidence that this experience has been a success already. It birthed the entire concept of this blog: fighting food noise.

A GLP-1 is not a magical drug; you truly have to put in the work. But Wegovy and Zepbound have allowed me to do the work by eliminating food noise. I was able to stay consistent for one whole year because I never felt as though I was trapped in Food Jail. I never intentionally starve myself (sometimes I do forget to eat, but it's never on purpose). I know how to stop eating when I'm full. I've been able to commit to a healthier lifestyle without having to change other aspects of my life when I never thought that possible before; I still work my day job and my side business and my church singing gigs, I still do theatre, I recently wrote a play, I take voice lessons, I'm still involved in local politics, and I still show up for my husband, friends, and family. Stressful situations caused by any of those aspects of my life used to be food triggers for me. Now, I don't spend ten-minute car rides to work anxious to get there so that I could start eating or drinking sugary drinks from the minute I sat down at my desk. I don't drive to Mickey D's after a bad dress rehearsal. I don't equate binge eating with self-care.

I didn't even know what food noise was until I didn't experience it anymore. Now that I know life without it, I never want to go back to hearing food noise all day every day. Living a life in which you're bombarded by food noise is a trauma all on its own.

Body Dysmorphia and Forgiveness Of course, not all of the mental work of this experience is easy -- and body dysmorphia, as well as making peace with my past, hasn't been easy. There are days, a year later, when I look in the mirror and still see someone who weighs over 300 pounds. I get anxious about trying on clothes in smaller sizes because I still don't think I'll fit. I see small spaces (i.e. the space between two chairs in a restaurant) and avoid them, almost unconsciously. I see my own wedding photos and cringe because all I can think about is how large my body is. Unless I'm creating a social media post that is specifically about weight loss, I don't post old photos of myself. I have internalized fatphobia that is exclusive to my own former body, and I really need to work on overcoming it. I would never tell anyone I care about to not post "fat pictures." Why would I set a rule against it for myself?

Husband Support To have Anthony also start a GLP-1 has proven to be a truly special part of this experience. Our paths are different -- from different meds to different goals and different eating habits. But we've been "in this together." Anthony is my biggest cheerleader in every aspect of my life, and my intentional weight loss as well as my fight against food noise is no different. He is the first to hit the "like" button on every post. He always tells me when he notices that I look "different." And he pushes me to wear clothes that I'm afraid of. On the flip side, I never thought that I'd be giving anyone advice on food choices or quantity -- and when Anthony asks me how much food is too much, I'm not afraid to tell him the truth. Anthony has also lost around 50 pounds, his diabetes is controlled with his A1C in a normal range, and he has traded in his size 44 pants for pants in size 38!

What I Eat and How I Exercise I want to keep this portion as short as possible -- no foods are off-limits except if they cause me to feel bad. Fried and creamy foods are a prelude to stomach issues that are so not worth the trouble. But I fully believe in the philosophy that I adopted from Amy Kane: "everything in moderation" is now possible with a GLP-1. That said, I do make many different food choices, while also keeping in mind that I actually have to like the food I'm eating in order to stay successful with intentional weight loss. I definitely owe the readership a new post on my favorite foods, as I've become a bit burnt out on some of the foods I listed the first time I wrote about my food picks. Currently: parmesan crisps, Carba-Nada low-carb pasta, Built Puff bars, Dole salad kits, Lean Cuisine frozen pizzas, cacio e pepe puffs from Trader Joe's, and Greek yogurt in any form, are some of my favorites.

With regard to exercise, I make sure I move my body as much as I can. I aim for every day. While I definitely have exercise goals, I try to remember that the only bad workout is the workout you don't do. Sometimes my schedule only permits for a 15-minute workout, but that's better than no exercise at all. I've surprised myself with how much I've come to love exercise. I look forward to my walk/run (yes, I've attempted running). I own a set of weights. I feel genuine pride in the fact that I just had my first "perfect week" as per my Apple Watch! A "perfect week" means I met my "Move," "Stand," and "Exercise" goal every day of the week.

What I've Learned About Myself Firstly, I learned that food noise and obesity was never my fault, and it is real and requires true emotional labor to navigate. Once a GLP-1 took away that food noise, I learned that health, quality of life, and better self-esteem are within reach. I also learned that weight becomes your fortress, and that you're forced to deal with past traumas that you buried under that fortress. When you start to shed your skin, you find ghosts of the past that you thought you'd already buried. Facing those ghosts takes yet more mental work, but I'm finding it's worth the effort.

I've learned that a healthy relationship with food, where you can eat everything that you want to eat "in moderation," is possible. I've also learned to listen to my body when I couldn't before -- the food noise was too loud. And I've learned that my entire life does not have to revolve around food. Honestly, thank goodness. At the same time, I still love food. I'm always going to love food. But it is no longer the center of my existence.

Helping Others Every time someone reaches out to me for advice on starting a GLP-1 medication, my heart surges with pride. I've been told that I've inspired people to start their own respective journeys, with and without meds. That I've motivated them. That they feel like they can talk to me about their struggles with food noise and obesity. I started this blog for all of the above reasons. I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I once did.

What's Next?

The obvious answer is continued intentional weight loss -- and that's going to happen. But the not-so-obvious answers are overcoming my fear of fitting rooms. Picking clothes out without body dysmorphia in my head. Completing a 5K this weekend with Gauri (one of my BFFs who I mentioned in an earlier post). Continuing to help others find their respective paths to GLP-1 medications or anything else that helps them fight food noise. Spreading awareness about food noise and the disease of obesity. Erasing judgement. The continued search for more opportunities to tell my story.

For the first time in a long time, I'm proud of myself. I feel like the world is mine. And it's only going to get better. If you've been here since the beginning, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And if you have any more time to spare, enjoy the last year of my life in pictures: