August 19, 2024, marks my three-month Wegovy anniversary. This day seemed a long way off on May 19th.
I didn't write a two-month review because I genuinely don't want to bother readers with a "progress report" on the 19th of every single month. But I will periodically throw in these types of posts going forward, with no set schedule. A lot has happened in the past three months and an overview feels called for at this point!
Firstly, I am happy to report that I've crossed the 30-pound milestone. I've lost 32 pounds officially. What does that feel like? It feels like relief. I do not want to focus on appearance here, because my path to health is about just that: health. All bodies are beautiful; my obese body became too exhausting for me to carry. That said, a number of my wardrobe items that haven't fit me well in recent months, fit now. Additionally, I fully believe that certain spaces should be redesigned to be size-inclusive, but I've been fitting better into spaces that I couldn't fit into at all before. I have space around me in the bathtub, and the water doesn't overflow out of the tub and into the bathroom. I do my best to never feel shame around my size, but getting water all over the bathroom because the sheer weight of my body pushed water out of the bathtub felt downright defeating. And even shaving my legs is less of a production than it was in May. I'm going to be flying in October, and we'll see if I need my seatbelt extender (I bought my own because thanks to societal body shame, asking for one felt humiliating... when it absolutely shouldn't).
Secondly, my acid reflux continues to improve. While I can't say it is completely eliminated, I can probably count the number of Pepcids I need in a month on one hand. Pepcid Panic used to occur daily -- sometimes twice daily.
Thirdly, with more than 30 pounds lost, I am genuinely surprised to see the arrival of some loose skin, particularly around my upper arms. I didn't think loose skin would show up until I hit the 50-pound milestone, but lo and behold, here it is. I've heard of a lot of people who lost significant weight opting for plastic surgery to remove the skin, but I've had enough surgeries to fix my leg -- I think I'll keep the skin.
And finally, I think... I look healthier. I want to be perfectly clear: that does NOT necessarily mean "thinner!" But my face looks clearer. It doesn't look... tired. I certainly feel healthier; for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to blood work, and am hopeful that the results will show lowered cholesterol and A1C that is no longer pre-diabetic.
With regard to mental health, I am finding that sometimes, food noise is being replaced by other "noise." I still don't have the food noise that I once did, by a long shot. I finally have a healthy relationship with food that's only getting better. Which is great. It's something I never thought possible for me. I never want to take it for granted. I am thankful for it on a daily basis, and every time that I feel "okay" after not finishing an entire basket of bread still feels revolutionary.
But, when food isn't your crutch anymore, some really deep-seeded anxieties come to light. At the beginning of this process, it was exciting to have space in my mind that was once used to be occupied by food noise. By month three, anxieties are now screaming to see the light of day when food and food noise and an obese body protected them for more than two decades. Additionally, the fear that I'll return to the "before times" creeps in, even on 1.7mg of Wegovy.
I don't want to be obsessive, but I panic when counting calories. I don't want any of this path to be about my body appearance, but I have a LOT of internalized fatphobia to work on. And I had no idea how many demons this process would force me to confront. I never wanted to be the "inspirational weight loss girl," but I know for a fact that I'm inspiring others to get healthier. But I also feel guilty, because I never want to betray the fat-positive movement or be perceived as what I've dubbed a "reformed fat person" (I HATED well-meaning platitudes from reformed fat people in the Before Times).
Sometimes I want to think about something else besides the weight of the weight and of losing the weight. I used to think that I was on borrowed time; now, I hope that I am reversing the damage I've done to my body quickly enough so that I can live as long as I need to in order to accomplish everything that I want to. I am losing patience -- I am a textbook overachiever, and I'm constantly wondering if 32 pounds in less than three months is "enough." If I'm "winning" when it's not a contest. If the people in my Wegovy Facebook groups are losing weight faster or slower than I have been. And... I'm angry at myself. I'm so angry at myself for not finding a way to fight the food noise sooner. At the same time, I'm angry at myself over my internalized fatphobia.
The truth is that if any of my friends expressed these difficult feelings to me, I would tell them to not be so hard on themselves. I am historically hard on myself.
It is okay for me to be excited about the end of my toxic relationship with food while still fighting the other demons that have been exposed as a result. It is okay to want to lose weight. It is okay to be excited about clothes that fit now that didn't fit three months ago. It is okay to work on internalized fatphobia. It is okay to need a seatbelt extender and it is also okay to want to be able to fit in the airplane seat while also recognizing that airplanes need to be more accessible to all body sizes. It's okay to be excited about weight loss, and also understand that parts of this process are really difficult and make me feel vulnerable... when I don't like to feel vulnerable.
It's okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm only three months in. And if you're fighting food noise, you're going to be okay too.
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