The Formerly Fat Funny Friend

Former American Idol contestant Maddie Zahm released a TikTok-viral song a few years ago. She transparently told the world that she'd undergone bariatric surgery and lost over 100 lbs since her appearance on the show -- and now, that she was in her healing phase, she wrote the viral song titled "Fat Funny Friend."

If you scrolled TikTok at all back in 2022, you heard the song. And at the time, I was in one of the worst periods of binge eating I ever experienced in my life. I was planning my wedding while grieving the loss of my grandmother, and was using every excuse to eat that food noise was telling me to use. I didn't even want to feel how much the song fit my life. I even convinced myself that because I was engaged, that song wasn't about me.

"Can't be too loud, can't be too busy, if I don't answer now, are they still gonna need me? Can't be too proud, can't think I'm pretty, do they keep me around so their flaws just seem silly?"

Maybe that song was about me in middle school; while I wasn't even 200 pounds in middle school, I was already the fat friend by comparison. Going to the mall was torture. There was definitely a time when it felt like they did, in fact, keep me around so their flaws just seemed silly.

But I wasn't that person anymore, no no no. I was the main character! I was, of course, going to do it all and do it fat. I wasn't self-conscious! I stood up for myself now! I demanded respect -- fat be damned. I had friends who loved me no matter my size! I was engaged! I didn't feel as inferior as the song proclaimed. I didn't need to "draw out in sharpie where I'd take the scissors" because my size didn't matter. No one I knew was using me as a measuring stick... right? No one I loved would have the thought, "Well, I might have gained a few pounds, but at least I'm not as fat as Gracie."

Looking back, they probably did have those thoughts. Because I had them too, and they're human -- and I promise I won't hold it against you or take it personally if you did. I watched My 600-lb Life on TLC because yeah, I was fat and unhealthy, but I wasn't like those people. I weighed 300-plus pounds, not 600 or 650. But I've come to realize that, "At least I'm not as fat as those people on television" is pretty much the same thing as, "At least I'm not as fat as Gracie is." I can't get upset with anyone for having those thoughts about me, when I had them about people who weighed more than I did -- even though they are strangers.

Of late, I'm in more and more spaces where I'm no longer the fattest person in the room. And I'd like to tell you I don't notice, that I "don't see size," but that's just like any white person saying "I don't see color." I do notice. I'm not thin by any means, but I'm less and less the "fat funny friend." It's not just becoming apparent in my size -- I'm not the same person I was 14 months ago. I DID feel inferior, just like Maddie Zahm described.

The "fat funny friend" is about size, but it's also about the persona that one assumes when they're in that role. I was assertive while fat, yes. But I didn't like who I was, and that showed way more than I ever thought I let on. And sometimes, people are intimidated by someone who has come back from unhealthy circumstances and comes out stronger. No longer afraid to post photos on social media in a sports bra or a two-piece bathing suit. No longer afraid to ask for well-deserved opportunities. I thought that my days of shrinking myself were over in middle school, but now, I see just how much I shrunk myself to fit into roles -- because I thought I took up too much physical space.

Being less "humble" has felt strange -- it was something I was always told was what I was "supposed" to be. But, I post more content and full-body photos now. I scream it from the rooftops when I run a full mile or I hit a PR. And then I feel guilty about it. It's like America Ferrara's speech in the Barbie movie. I wonder if men go through the same feelings. I'd never invalidate them if they did, but I know these feelings have to be different for women and non-binary folks.

As I've stated before, I'm enjoying my life, and I cannot believe what my life looks like 14 months after starting a GLP-1. I am so busy with opportunities (in this space and in my work, political, community, and theatre spaces) and events. And I'm not doing any of it to hurt anyone or make anyone feel badly about their own life circumstances. But I'm not going to shrink my joy or newfound self-esteem to fit an image of who I used to be. I might be less fat now, but I'm going to take up space. Even when it feels uncomfortable.