I'm Not Going Back

A certain former Presidential candidate used a really great slogan in the days of her campaign.

We're Not Going Back.

Now, while it's no secret to anyone that I've worked on no fewer than seven political campaigns for local Democrats and am the Public Relations Director of the Glen Cove Young Democrats... this piece is not a political piece, in spite of the fact that I could talk about politics as much as I can talk about food noise and obesity advocacy. Kamala Harris' slogan stuck with me long after her campaign. And it was a slogan I called upon in recent days when I applied it to my own life.

I'm at a place in my journey where working out has become essential to my physical and mental health. I try to work out for 45 minutes a day. I run, walk, lift, and even won a series of classes at NXT4 Life Training in Glen Head that I loved. I'm finding core exercises that don't scare me the way that crunches do (ugh, crunches bring back too many middle school memories). Friends have even asked me, "Who ARE you?!" I'd never taken working out seriously in my life. Now, that I have the physical capacity, I don't ever want to stop.

But, with increased physical activity... comes a sensation I used to know very well, but haven't experienced much over the last 17 months. I'm hungry again. And hunger scares me.

My Dad, who has worked out seriously for more than 40 years (and occasionally spots me on his personal leg press machine), laughs at my complaints of hunger -- but has assured me that they're completely normal. "You've done yeoman work on your physical self," he says. As a fellow Former Fat Person, he also GETS the struggle -- and started working out to help lose 110 pounds before I was born.

However, my Dad also gave me an important piece of assurance that I didn't know I needed to hear. "You'll never go back," he said. I realized in that moment that I was still holding on to all of my failed attempts in the past. When I thought that I was never going back, and then, I always did. But this time... this time really has been different. I'm no longer in food jail thanks to GLP-1s.

It's been so long since I've had any extended periods of hunger that I've forgotten that genuine hunger and food noise are not the same thing. Your body announcing to you that it requires fuel is exactly what should be happening, especially in the event of increased, consistent, more difficult physical activity. Food noise is what's scary. Hunger doesn't have to be.

The point of this journey has never been for me to starve myself when my body asks for food. Sure -- make some different food choices, stop eating when I'm full, and have a better idea of portion sizes are all important pieces of the metaphorical puzzle. But skipping meals? Refusing to eat? That's not what we are doing here. It's not what anyone on a similar journey should be doing. I talk a big game about not restricting, but it's not always easy. Diet culture has pervaded my thinking throughout my difficult relationship with food.

So when I left work in a hurry to pack our car for a weekend away and I found myself craving baba ganoush from Gemelli's in Glen Head, after I thought I'd have time to stop off for some in the middle of the work day but didn't, I honored the craving. But... I felt scared. I could not STOP thinking about that baba ganoush. Was I experiencing food noise again? Was it all over? Was I going back? Not only did I want that baba ganoush, but I started eating it in the car!

You can imagine my relief when I made it home and did not finish even half the tub. I talked myself through what just happened and ignored the panicked thoughts of, "You're going to have dinner soon!" and "You already ate lunch!" and "Stop, stop!" My therapist loves to tell me to change my thoughts, and I realized that I craved... eggplant spread and pretzel thins, not McDonald's fries. And I didn't even come close to finishing a full tub. While I'm not restricting fries per se, they don't make my body feel good -- and I don't want to deal with that feeling. As such, I don't crave McDonald's fries anymore.

What had just happened was simple. I'd run two consecutive miles that morning before the work day even started. I had a craving for baba ganoush and thought I'd be able to get my hands on some earlier, but couldn't thanks to the amount of work I had to do. I wasn't stress eating. I wasn't experiencing food noise. I was hungry because my body needed more fuel than I'd given it after a run, and I had a specific craving -- just like any other person who has a healthy relationship with food. My GLP-1 injection day is Sunday, so to add one more factor, this incident occurred on a Friday -- almost a week since my most recent shot. Once I'd taken my shot on Sunday night, there were no more cravings -- though I needed the reminder that cravings are not inherently "bad."

In spite of the fact that my weight loss is much slower these days, I realized that my true fear was that my food noise was returning, and that I was losing my capacity to fight it after 18 months. But then, I remembered. I realized that what was happening was just a result of a healthy relationship with food. I thought about what my Dad said. I thought about that year-old campaign slogan. And... I'm never going back. Running is actually the perfect exercise for me. Because I'm only running forward.