Tonight I finally faced a fear I've had since I started to actually lose weight. Facing that fear also resulted in an act of charity -- which is appropriate today, for me, as a Catholic on the first day of Lent.
I chose five clothing items that are too big on me, and put them in a bag for donation. Two dress blouses, one pair of dress pants (actually, the pants I'm wearing in the above photo), one pair of jeans, and one pair of athletic shorts.
It's been a long time coming, but I've felt scared. Body dysmorphia, at certain moments, gets in my head and believes that I haven't lost enough weight to be getting rid of old clothes, and that I shouldn't be wearing smaller sizes yet. Anthony and I went out for Valentine's Day and I changed my outfit three times thanks to body dysmorphia telling me I "wasn't ready" for "that size." Thanks to some encouragement from Anthony, I wore what I wanted to wear. I did it scared.
But to get back to large clothes -- once I started avoiding wearing particular clothing items in my old sizes because they were uncomfortable and awkward, I knew it was time to put them out to pasture. These clothing items are awkward and uncomfortable for me to wear in a way that I am not entirely familiar with. They fall off me.
Some of the clothing items have been too large for a while now, but again thanks to body dysmorphia, in the back of my mind I still convinced myself that I would need them again one day. Once I take the lens of body dysmorphia away (that is a conscious process, let me tell you) I don't even like how some of the larger clothing pieces look on me anymore.
If this experience is truly a lifestyle change, this time will be the last time that I intentionally lose weight. I am not going back, and it's time for me to believe that statement. Clothes that are two whole sizes too large for me, no longer serve me. I don't have to hide inside them anymore.
Additionally, part of me is afraid that getting rid of clothes will signal the end of me losing weight, that the part of me that always showed up in the "before times" will get the message that, "We're done!" We are not done. This period of time is the longest period of time I've ever stayed consistent with any kind of change to a healthy lifestyle, and I've come too far to stop now before I know I'm finished. I can continue to get rid of more clothes as I lose more weight. I've kept a number of clothing pieces that are just starting to be too big, but aren't falling off me just yet. In a few months, there's no reason why I can't get rid of those clothes too. There's no finality here.
So, here's to facing fears and accepting new versions of myself. And knowing that this version of me won't be the final version.
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