Full Stop

Content warning: This post discusses body image and feelings of depression and hopelessness. If these topics are difficult for you, please feel free to skip this post.

At first, I was going to call this post "Forced Rest." But then, I realized that there are two parts to the situation I'm about to describe. And "Full Stop" describes them both perfectly.

The first part might be harder to talk about. I haven't lost any weight in over three months, and I'm having a bit of imposter syndrome. I was admittedly struggling to write about anything to do with this issue, because I feel as though I'm letting you all down, since I haven't lost weight. But this stuff is part of the journey, too. It's real. It's raw. And it's high time I talked about it all.

I finally got up my courage to talk with Colleen, my therapist, about it. I feel hungrier -- which is natural when one spends as much time working out as I do. I feel my GLP-1 wearing off at the end of the week. That's not to say I experience the food noise of two and a half years ago, or that I continue eating when I feel full... because I definitely don't. But it's easy to lose sight of those facts in the emotional moment. And I couldn't help but share that I have been feeling as though I'm a fraud. Yes, I've kept the weight off, but I must be doing something wrong since I'm not continuing to lose. I am going to have a table at the Gold Coast Business Association Health and Wellness Expo this weekend, and I have been doubting whether or not I'm even qualified to be there.

In addition to feeling like a fraud and a failure, I have a confession: I want to look like I work out. Thin is NOT the goal -- but I do have a weight number range that I'd like to achieve. And since I am carrying loose skin and cellulite, I don't look like "someone who works out." I don't see definition; I see bat wings. I see rippling, jiggly thighs. I need compression shorts and pants for workouts. FIT is the goal, and I know I feel more fit than I ever have. But... in spite of what I'd tell anyone I care about in the same situation, I have waited a long time to feel good about how my body looks, and I'm still not where I want to be. Body positivity for thee, but not for me.

As always, Colleen pumped the brakes. Full stop. And she encouraged me to look back at how far I've come, and realize how fit I feel. While she validated my feelings, she wasn't going to allow me to dwell on any negativity or poor body image when I've worked as hard as I have to get to where I am. And she reminded me that two and a half years ago, I couldn't stand on line at airport security without intense pain. "You changed your whole life," she reminded me.

Intellectually, I know she's right. I'm not at all where I was. Colleen reminded me that this is a journey, this chapter is part of the journey, and I've kept the weight off in spite of not losing any for a while. That alone qualifies me to share my story at a health and wellness expo. As our session ended, Colleen encouraged me to "take inventory" of everything I'm doing, and since then I have been trying to do just that. I can't even believe the opportunities I've had this year alone, and it's only July. Not to mention, in June I PRed my 5K at 36:34. 2023 Gracie was in so much pain on her own wedding night just from dancing and being on her feet all day... while 2026 Gracie ran a 36-and-a-half-minute 5K with three splits under 12 minutes. The facts are there. That's a big change.

But... what did not help my feeling discouraged was the other aspect of my life that had to come to a full stop. In April, I experienced a health scare when my gynecologist had to biopsy a pigmented spot in my vulvar region. Additionally, irregular blood work led to my general practitioner sending me for tests for medullary thyroid cancer -- because lab rats developed that type of cancer during GLP-1 clinical trials. After the biopsy, I was under doctor's orders to not exercise, and I went back too quickly... which led to a delay in healing the biopsy site. Amazingly, all of my tests, for both melanoma and thyroid cancer, were negative.

The ordeal was almost over, but on June 24 I had a procedure to remove more pigmented regions. I was not going to delay healing again, and as such, I did not exercise at all for four days. I started seated arm workouts on day five, I walked a mile on day nine, I was back in the gym on day 12, and I ran a slow treadmill mile on day 13. While I know now that I have not lost my fitness, the loss of exercise from my routine genuinely depressed me. Exercise has become a key component to my overall well-being, as well as to my identity. Parts of the procedure were painful. The post-procedure recovery was uncomfortable. But not exercising was... sad. It certainly didn't do me any favors as I was already feeling like a fraud.

I want to say that I learned all kinds of valuable lessons about the importance of rest. Chances are, I probably didn't. And if I'm ever faced with being sidelined from exercise again, I'll likely be just as emotional about it. However... I did show myself that I am listening to my body. Dani, my best friend from college, pointed out that I showed emotional progress in that department -- when choosing not to push myself to my usual limits in these first few workouts back on my schedule.

All of that said, I could not be more relieved that the full stop of exercise has come to an end. I have received such an outpouring of support, both IRL and on social media, from people I love. As far as the full stop of weight loss, talking about my feelings here feels like relief. Like I'm not a fraud because sharing the journey isn't only about sharing it when it's perfect and linear and Instagram-ready; it's about sharing it when it's messy.