Chapter 36

If you know me, you likely know that if you're reading this post on the day of publication... today is my birthday.

I asked my parents for a foldable treadmill as a birthday (or Christmas) present. I never thought I'd see the day that exercise equipment would be my gift of choice. As evidenced by my hopes for a birthday treadmill (a pink one, of course), newly-35-year-old Gracie would barely recognize newly-36-year-old Gracie.

In my indomitable overachieving style, my first big goal was to lose 50 pounds by my birthday... and I've lost 54 pounds in less than seven months. In my previous attempts to right the ship, 50 pounds was the most weight I've ever lost. Anything beyond that is my new personal best.

Numbers aside, 36-year-old Gracie has an ever-evolving healthy relationship with food, that leaves room for cake and cookies in moderation. I no longer have to fear that I'll eat a bag of cookies in its entirety. At the same time, I don't have to restrict myself from eating from that same bag of cookies unless I want to on a particular day. I call the shots. Food doesn't have that level of power anymore.

I used to say that part of why I'd given up on trying to live a healthier lifestyle was that I couldn't spend so much energy THINKING about every single piece of food that I essentially inhaled. Of course that's how I felt; I was sick and tired of trying to fight food noise with my only tool being... my thoughts. My brain. Sheer will power. It was never going to work. The noise was far too loud to be overpowered. Now, I don't have to think to that degree. And the times that I do have to think about the food that goes in my mouth do not feel like Herculean emotional labor. At my birthday celebration with my friends last night, I ate pieces of an individual pizza. I ate a dinner roll. I ate pasta and cake. But... there was no way that I could consume the portions of food that I once did. Wegovy wouldn't let me, but I would like to think I wouldn't have, even without Wegovy. The focal point of my celebration last night... was my friends. My friends and my husband. For the first time probably ever, it wasn't food. And that mind clarity allowed me to realize that I am surrounded by support as I fight food noise each and every day.

Of course, I am all for body inclusion and positivity. But I'd be lying if I said that I was happy with my appearance a year ago. As I always say, if you live life in a larger body, and you ARE happy, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life. That said, I realize now that I was pretending to be happy. I felt awkward. Like I took up too much space. I was tired of being tired. Tired of swollen feet, aching knees and feet, and constant acid reflux (when I say constant, I mean every... single... day).

The photos above, showing me at my birthday celebration a year ago versus my birthday celebration this year, are proof of how much can happen in a year. To paraphrase a quote from one of my favorite movies, My Big Fat Greek Wedding...

"Sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up and it didn't happen. But it did happen!"

Chapter 35 will go down as the chapter during which I decided to right this ship, for once and for all. And Chapter 36 will go down as the chapter where I finish the mission. I always wanted to be a hero... I'm a Gryffindor (if you know, you know). In the end, the hero always slays the dragon or climbs the mountain. The story isn't over yet. But I won't stop until it ends with me completing the mission.