One of my coping strategies for as long as I can remember has been writing. It's one of my few coping strategies that doesn't involve food.
I don't want this platform to only include the highlights, and I want to use it to cope. I owe it to everyone who is reading to not only showcase the victories. So, here we go. Deep breath.
My weight loss has stalled. And ya girl is SPIRALING.
I'm currently on 2.4mg of Wegovy, which is the highest available dose. I make sure to move my body as close to every day as I can with my absurd schedule and responsibilities that have nothing to do with this process. I have my protein shake every day and am keeping up my calorie deficit while still managing to live by the philosophy that no one food is off-limits. I eat when I'm hungry, and I stop eating when I'm full. The raging food noise I once lived with on a daily basis no longer persists. If I have a craving, I am able to satisfy it with a small amount of that particular food I am craving.
And yet. I haven't lost any weight in two weeks. I am down somewhere between 35 and 36 pounds, but I have been down between 35 and 36 pounds since the beginning of this month. I also haven't gained any weight. But, over the first three months of this process, I lost weight every week. Silly me, thinking that the same pattern would continue indefinitely.
I spent a good portion of my previous post talking about non-scale victories (NSVs) and I fully believe everything that I wrote. But the other side of my brain kicks in, and I find myself wondering if it's enough. I am scared that I am not getting healthier fast enough. Obsessive thoughts dance across my brain about... what if I need knee surgery one day because I didn't take the pressure of the weight off fast enough? What if my A1C and my cholesterol are still high? What if I could still have a heart attack from huffing and puffing up a flight of stairs? There's a lot less huffing and puffing than there used to be, but make no mistake, it's still there. And I'm tired of the pain. There's a lot less pain than there used to be, but my knees, my feet, and my back still hurt.
Sometimes I focus too much on the long-term task at hand instead of short-term goals. While Wegovy has helped me to not feel deprived, I'm still scared that I won't stay on the wagon long enough to lose all of the weight that I want to lose. This point in the past, the point of plateau, was the point of surrender for me. I have no intentions of surrendering this time, I know it's different. Which is an accomplishment in itself... but I want to see results.
Since I was a little girl and all throughout my educational career, I spent probably too much time focusing on grades. Every time I step on the scale, I have the same feeling that I would have when I was sitting at my desk in school while the teacher was passing back a test. I would anxiously wait for my affirmation that I mattered. That I was doing enough. That I was... special. And now, without food noise to hide those feelings of never feeling like I am enough, I am searching for that affirmation elsewhere. And I'm searching for it on the scale.
My therapist loves to tell me that it has to "come from within." But as a textbook overachiever who is used to gathering accolades and being on a stage where one receives applause for a performance, I haven't figured out what that feels like yet. I used to have food noise to drown out the other noise in my brain. I'm happy to see it gone -- okay, more like relieved and ecstatic. But without the constant affirmation of losing weight every week, the door is open for other noise.
I promise that this post is not a power play for positive affirmation; rather, I am trying to be as transparent as possible about this internal struggle. I'm not "seeking attention." I am actually embarrassed to share with all of you that I haven't lost any weight in two weeks. I hope that sharing that this process is not exclusively a highlight reel helps even one person who is reading this post.
Girl!!! I'm going through the same thing. Except, I gained two weeks in a row. I feel like I can't get past a certain number. The number I can't wait to get under! It's a struggle. I'm trying to stay strong and keep going but it's hard. I did lose this past week but not more than I gained. So, I'm still waiting to get to where I want to be. I'm starting 2.4 this coming week and hope that might jumpstart a losing streak. We both need to stay strong and remember it's a journey, not a sprint. We'll get there, no matter how long it takes. Enjoy the ride!
Also.. If the scale isn't moving, I'm sure you're…